I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
