I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
