Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
