If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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