If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
