Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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