Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
