do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
