Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
