Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
