I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
