Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
