and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
