i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
