Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
her vagine was all disorganized.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
