my phone needs a breathalizer
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
