Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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