My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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