True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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