my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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