so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
