i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
