The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
