There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
