This is not my ceiling
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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