I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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