oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think I won the penis lottery.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
