fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
