"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
