In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
