So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
