Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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