new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
