I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
