I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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