Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
