respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I can't put those talents on a resume
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My vagina is officially offended.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
