I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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