Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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