then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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