Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
