My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
