I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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