Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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