I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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