They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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