My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The air was thick with penises
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
