if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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