P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
bring money and cleavage
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
