Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
