Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
